I was hiking with friends on the Paldiski Peninsula, reminiscing about my old fighter days. The most vivid memories from that time were associated with adders in the hay fields and gigantic mosquitoes. There were plenty of representatives of both species everywhere. We set ourselves up in a clearing by the sea, where our camp used to be. I shared my impressions with my civilian friends about roasting adders and swimming in the sea with clothes on to get at least some relief on a hot summer day.
That evening we cooked meat over a campfire and enjoyed the sunset, a pure idyll. The different beers we had brought along tasted better and better as the evening went on, and the conversation grew louder, that is nothing new under the sun. The night was pleasantly pitch-dark; the campfire lit up people’s faces and reflected back from empty bottles.
At one point a brutal urge to defecate hit me, so bad that I had to run into the forest. I didn’t even have time to grab a shovel to dig a grave for the turds. I squatted among the bushes so that land mines wouldn’t threaten future forest creatures. Turbo-bumblebees were already at my buttocks before I even managed to start pushing. I pressed as hard as I could, my eyeballs were as big as goose eggs, but nothing – absolutely nothing came out. I grabbed onto branches, leaned further back, and pushed with all my bodily strength. My pulse was through the roof, eyes popping out of their sockets, and then it started to come, clattering, like wooden blocks….
Relieved of my torment, I cleaned myself with leaves, and when I looked at what I had done behind me, I nearly fainted. The turds glowed light green and were of different shapes: wedges, stars, trapezoids, triangles, and some resembled oversized beans. My thoughts didn’t get very far, and I sank back into a deep sleep.
Waking up in the morning, my mood was good. I remembered that I had seen something in a dream, but damn if I could recall it, yet another morning with nothing to write for readers. While brushing my teeth, a warm wave ran through my insides, and thank the Lord, the toilet bowl is right next to the sink. I sat down and started straining; halfway through the effort the dream came back to me, and I typed in the keywords. When I flushed, nothing happened, some of the turds floated almost to the rim of the bowl, and the water level didn’t drop even a millimetre. Sick stuff, really, had to play plumber again.